Lav’s Fantasy Garage: “Monsters In My Yard” Edition

April 15, 2013 at 11:00 pm

So, today’s news in Boston leaves me full of venom, spit and skunky beer aftertaste. Just when it seemed life has achieved some level of normalcy on a national scale – the stock market is coming back, unemployment is at least stable, spring is returning to New England – some shithead has to go and take a colossal dump in everyone’s breakfast cereal of choice. It’s enough to make me say, “Thanks world, but I’m becoming a hermit. I want my cars, my woman, some ammunition and a house in the woods.”

But we can’t do that. That’s not what Americans do. Instead, let’s inject some levity into an otherwise dark day and look at how another nation dealt with terror: the Japanese. Gigantic monsters, and fire-breathing ones at that. Captured in movies that similarly captured Americans’ attention, it seems ironic now that our own entertainment used to be terror in countries besides our own. However, if we’re taught anything, it’s that you should be well-equipped to bust out of dodge and have several vehicles to do so.

Big, black and bad-ass Japanese sedan ($5,000): Infiniti Q45

The original Japanese Q-ship. I have little doubt this brute could power through anything resembling a zombie apocalypse or Godzilla attack. Little to no protruding edges to get caught on reptilian skin or narrow alley-ways. A 4.5L V8 capable of vaulting the heavy-hitter to 60 in 6.7 seconds was no slouch by 1990’s standards, and the viscous limited-slip differential will certainly come in handy when dodging infidels.


Big Bird – or, winner-takes-all mobile ($45,000): 1978 Toyota Landcruiser FJ40

If I need a rig that can take months of abuse and unpaved roads, I’d want the motoring equivalent to a cockroach: the original FJ40 – fully restored and galvanized,  of course. I’m pretty sure they still drive these in Chernobyl, and until zombies start fighting with rust particles that can be injected into sheetmetal, the FJ40 will go anywhere and with little care or attention to the oily bits. Plus, throw a winch on the front end and it will take you over hill and dale to safety – or onto the next town in search of non-decomposing countrymen.



The Gentleman’s Express ($5,000): 1986 Honda VFR F2 Interceptor 

If all else fails, you’re going to need a bike. Jump over obstacles, squeeze between traffic, and outgun your assailants. The VFR isn’t the quickest bike around, but it’s well-suited for looking the part with its quintessential “We must go now” Japanese graphics. Used as Honda’s homologation racing platform with a raucous V4 engine, I can’t think of a better bike for leaving the end of the world behind and in style. Preferably, one would exit the island of fire-breathing monsters on one of these crotch-rockets while wearing a suit, wingtips, and with the emperor’s daughter clutching his waist.


Now, back to the reality of not being able to distract ourselves from what ails us; instead, we’ll face it – or them – with an unflinching gaze and the confidence of knowing we still possess the freedom to drive with joy and away from fear.